The Mormons baptize the dead. It seems a bit backward to me and probably won't fill up those church pews, but it keeps them busy, and doesn't really affect anyone....Right?
Scene: The Void. Utter blackness and quiet. Solitude. Peace. In other words, a great place to catch some z's.
A presence is floating, aimlessly, quite comfortably, when: two lights shine out of the darkness at the presence.
Voice One: Edward Davies?
Presence: Huh? What? What's going on?
Voice One: Are you Edward Davies, the scientist guy?
Presence ( Davies ): Well, yeah, I mean I guess so. At least that's who I used to be.
Voice One: Used to be?
Davies: Well- yes. Before I died, I mean. Now I'm kind of nobody.
Voice One (impatiently): Look buddy, either you're him or you're not. Don't give us any lip.
Voice Two: Look, you gotta come wit' us.
Davies: Go with you? To Where?
Voice Two: To Heaven, Einstein, you're goin' ta Heaven.
Davies: I don't know what's going on, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm part of the Great
Nothingness. I'm a piece of The Void.
Voice Two: Void-schmoid. You're comin' wit' us.
Voice One: You've been baptized, you see. We're to collect you.
Davies: How could I be baptized after I died?
Voice One: Your son-in-law saw to it. Mitt Romney. The paperwork's at headquarters.
Davies: Where's your headquarters?
Voice One: Mormon Heaven.
Davies: Come on. I was an atheist, and even I know the Catholics own Heaven. Just ask Mel Gibson.
Voice One (uncomfortably): We lease. It's a small tract. Quite nice actually...
Voice Two: Cut to the chase, will ya. Dis guy's comin' right now. We still gotta pick up dat Anne Frank kid, and I aint had any lunch. Ya been baptized, it's official, and I'd love an excuse to cuff ya.
Davies: Not if my lawyer has anything to say about it, you won't.
Voice One: Uh... lawyer?
Davies: Yes, The Void is full of lawyers. At least the good ones. It's my understanding most of them don't make it quite so high up, but we've got Darrow and Ollie Holmes, and I bet they're itching for a good fight.
Voice One: Well... in that case....
Voice Two: You tellin' me you gonna cave ta dis guy?
Voice One (aside): Do you know how many lawyers we've got in Heaven? Zero. Zilch. Bupkus. And I'm not just talking our Heaven. No one's got any. Darrow would make mince-meat out of us.
(to Davies): Well Mr. Davies, it has been pleasant chatting, but we have to be on our way. We certainly hope there are no hard feelings. Don't we Dave?
Voice Two (mumbling): Yeah, I guess.
Davies: If I hear you two are causing any more trouble out here, I'll hit you so hard with a lawsuit, it'll knock you back to Earth. You hear me?
Voices: Right. Yessir. Absolutely.
Voice One: Have a nice eternity, sir.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Lemons from Lemonade
Romney keeps saying that he's the only candidate who hasn't spent his life in Washington.
Isn't that just because he keeps losing elections?
Isn't that just because he keeps losing elections?
quote of the post
"To sin by silence, when they should protest, makes cowards out of men."
Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Oh, The Places You'll Go!
I have to visit Michigan now.
Sure, it has always been on my 'See Every Place On Earth List.' But it never was anywhere near the top. In fact, it was so far down that I can't recall ever having actually seen it. I imagine that it must have been lurking somewhere in the vicinity of the likes of Las Vegas or Albany. In any event, it was down there.
So how did it get to the top of the list, you ask?
Mitt Romney.
Apparently, according to the Mittster, the trees are the" right height" there. The trees.
Imagine that. Really. Try to imagine that.
Look people- I was a landscaper; I was a Boy Scout; I like to hike and camp- but it never even occurred to me that all the trees I have seen could, quite possibly, be the wrong height. As a liberal, I admit, I may have blinders on. We all have our prejudices. But I was always comfortable with the philosophy (possibly attributable to Paul Bunyan,) that a tree's trunk should only be long enough to reach the ground. And have enough height so the dog can lift his leg when you let him out of his air-tight car-top kennel.
An entire state full of right-sized trees. What could that even be like? I have the impression that it's like some sort of cross between Tolkien's Ents, and Nazi Storm Troopers. I imagine them goose-stepping their merry way down from the hills to intimidate lumberjacks and Santorum-voters, happily crushing Democrats as they go. They would probably raid nurseries and greenhouses, liberating their potted brothers and sisters from lives of garden slavery, before tromping back to their natural homes in triumph.
O brave new world that has such flora in it!
Thanks for opening our eyes Mitt.
Now how about trying to win the primary.
Sure, it has always been on my 'See Every Place On Earth List.' But it never was anywhere near the top. In fact, it was so far down that I can't recall ever having actually seen it. I imagine that it must have been lurking somewhere in the vicinity of the likes of Las Vegas or Albany. In any event, it was down there.
So how did it get to the top of the list, you ask?
Mitt Romney.
Apparently, according to the Mittster, the trees are the" right height" there. The trees.
Imagine that. Really. Try to imagine that.
Look people- I was a landscaper; I was a Boy Scout; I like to hike and camp- but it never even occurred to me that all the trees I have seen could, quite possibly, be the wrong height. As a liberal, I admit, I may have blinders on. We all have our prejudices. But I was always comfortable with the philosophy (possibly attributable to Paul Bunyan,) that a tree's trunk should only be long enough to reach the ground. And have enough height so the dog can lift his leg when you let him out of his air-tight car-top kennel.
An entire state full of right-sized trees. What could that even be like? I have the impression that it's like some sort of cross between Tolkien's Ents, and Nazi Storm Troopers. I imagine them goose-stepping their merry way down from the hills to intimidate lumberjacks and Santorum-voters, happily crushing Democrats as they go. They would probably raid nurseries and greenhouses, liberating their potted brothers and sisters from lives of garden slavery, before tromping back to their natural homes in triumph.
O brave new world that has such flora in it!
Thanks for opening our eyes Mitt.
Now how about trying to win the primary.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Shakespeare had it Write
"And be these juggling fiends no more believed,
That palter with us in a double sense;
That keep the word of promise to our ear,
And break it to our hope."
Shakespeare, Macbeth, act V, scene viii
Macbeth was complaining about the weird sisters, of course. It also applies, quite accurately to the weird candidates the Republicans are fielding this year.
It is my intent to jump on the bandwagon of satirical commentary.True, it's a bit crowded, but who can resist all the material those idiots are shoveling? The hardest part will be topping the sheer tonnage of unintended irony.
I intend to try.
That palter with us in a double sense;
That keep the word of promise to our ear,
And break it to our hope."
Shakespeare, Macbeth, act V, scene viii
Macbeth was complaining about the weird sisters, of course. It also applies, quite accurately to the weird candidates the Republicans are fielding this year.
It is my intent to jump on the bandwagon of satirical commentary.True, it's a bit crowded, but who can resist all the material those idiots are shoveling? The hardest part will be topping the sheer tonnage of unintended irony.
I intend to try.
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