Unreality Check

Does anyone else get the impression that Donald Fucking Trump is wandering around the White House. these days mumbling 'Inconceivable!'?

Mice are Smarter

"Steve, tell about the books."
"Everyone will write books about how great your administration was."
"And they'll write lots of books because we still got lots more years to go. Right, Steve?"
"That's right, Donny. We still have years to go."
"Tell again how many years, Steve."
"There's about three and a half years to the next election, and if we win that..."
"We will- we will-we will-we will! Won't we! Cause we're the best! Right?"
"Calm down, Donny, or I'll call in the Secret Service."
"No, please. I promise I'll be good. Just tell about the media. Pleeease, Steve."
"OK, the media are evil."
"I know- because they lie all the time and they're so unfair and they hate me. Right, Steve?"
"That's right, they hate you."
"And I'm gonna put it all on twitter. And everyone will know they're so nasty. Right, Steve?"
"Now what did we say about twitter, Donny?"
"Uh. That I'm not supposed to go on it so much?"
"That's right, Donny. You're not supposed to go on twitter so much. It causes a lot of trouble."
"Oh I know. But sometimes, sometimes I forget. There's so much stuff I have to remember. Remember how I almost forgot to salute the flag? That nice lady helped me."
"I remember."
"Is that the lady I'm allowed to grab by the pussy, Steve?"
"We'll talk about that in the morning. Good night, Donny."

Coming Soon, I Bet

    Trumpty Dumpty wanted a wall

    Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

    And all of Vlad's horses

    And all of Vlad's men

    Couldn't put Trumpty together again

Christopher Mahon

      

Not from Nantucket

Priebus, McConnell, and Ryan
Said; "We really ought to be cryin'
Because Donald Trump's
Made us all look like chumps
But if we said we were sad we'd be lyin' "
   Christopher Mahon

Warm Fuzzies

  Today, Ted (The Immigrant) Cruz chose Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina, to be his running mate. Cruz is proving that his admiration and imitation of the Gipper knows no bounds. Ronald Reagan was the last candidate to pick a potential V.P. before the election, and Cruz is channeling that energy. Of course, Reagan made that particular move in 1976, when he lost the nomination to sitting president, Gerald Ford. (Who then lost to Jimmy Carter.)
  Which brings us back to Carly.
  Fiorina has run for elected office exactly twice. And lost exactly two times. This is precisely the kind of experience that Cruz is going to need. And let's not forget: between them they've won an entire election; not to even mention the amazing quantity of warmth and compassion these incredible human beings generate.
  Are you feeling the love?

Sophie Had it Easy

  After making the amusing observation that choosing between Trump and Cruz was like having to choose between getting shot or poisoned, Lindsey Graham chose poison as he endorsed Ted Cruz.
 

Go, Marco, Go

  Tonight, after failing to even come close to winning his home state, Marco Rubio left the race.
  It is important to remember that Rubio will be able to run again and again, after he grows up.

Double the Pleasure, Double the fun

  Ben (Should have kept the day job) Carson decided to cinch his position as "The guy who should have kept his day job" by endorsing Donald Fucking Trump. During his announcement, Carson stated that there were, indeed, two Trumps, a sentiment that was then seconded by one of the Trumps (I don't know which.)
  I am of the opinion that there absolutely must be two of them.
  It is impossible to pack that much shit into one human being.

In other news: Happy Pi Day!

Some Summing Up

  Although some small things have happened in the GOP primaries since the beginning (yes, I'm referring to their candidates); some events have recently overtaken me, as I've increasingly taken to drink to wash the sour taste out of my mouth that I've gotten from watching the damned primaries.

  First off (or out.) Ben (Should have kept the day job) Carson has quit the race. I don't really have an exact idea of when, but he faded to the point of invisibility, and finally called it. Buh-Bye.

  Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina has recently endorsed Ted (The Immigrant) Cruz for president. The potential synergy between these two amazingly warm and fuzzy people promises to change politics forever. (I feel like hugging someone.)

  In other news: It seems like the two Democratic candidates still insist on debating actual issues. And, unless they can, somehow, get past this unnervingly mature behavior, I'm not going to be able, in good conscience, to mock them.

Pumping Irony (Presidential Edition)

  This is, of course, a leap year; which brings us not only an extra day in the cheerful month of February; but also the Olympics, the presidential campaign and, for keen observers, a Mitt Romney sighting. Romney, who likes to think of himself as a statesman, has no desire to do the actual work of statesmanship, which would keep him much too busy during the off-years. Instead, he trots himself out during the presidential race, to inject his views on how badly everyone else is doing things.       
  Today, he went after Donald Fucking Trump.
  Romney, correctly, noted that Trump was the son of a rich man, had things to hide in his tax returns, and that Trump's bankruptcies hurt many small businesses in this country. Romney also saw fit to mention that Trump was a liar and unfit for the office of President of the United States.
  To sum up: Son of a rich man
                     Problems with tax disclosure
                     Questionable business dealings
                     Liar
                     Unfit to be president
  I think that fits. Oh yeah, it applies to Trump as well.

Rub My Belly

Chris ("I worked the cones") Christie seemed uncomfortable as Trump's lap-dog as he stood in back of Trump during his Super Tuesday victory speech. Whether the calls for Christie to resign by a group of Jersey papers, his tanking favorability numbers (worse than turnpike traffic), or the fact that he is now supporting a man he once claimed was unfit to be president, is suddenly getting through his thick skull, Christie did not look amused Tuesday night. Who could have guessed that standing behind Donald Trump would be as onerous as kneeling behind him?

The Road Not Taken

  As a political satirist of some renown, (I must have at least some, don't you think?) I aspire, as do most of my colleagues, to the heights; the rarified air wherein exist the like of Voltaire and Jonathan Swift, Mark Twain and George Orwell. But that's a fucking lot of work. I tend to accept less lofty results, which give me much more time to sleep late. I've found, though, that I am not alone on my chosen path.
  Marco (Gunga Din) Rubio has shown us he thinks that his path to the presidency is as an insult-comic. He went after Trump for his Ooompa-Loopa spray tan, and his small hands. He neglected Trump's comb-all-over, and his surprisingly small mouth.  Yeah-- for all the noise he makes, Trump actually has a tiny little mouth. In fact, whenever he's emphasizing a point, his upper lip contorts into a shape usually associated with the parrotfish or your average parakeet. It actually looks beak-like.
  I may be stealing the thunder from Rubio's next set, but if you're going to go there, then just GO THERE. Donald Fucking Trump not only lives the low road, he built a lot of it.

Ass Kissing Ass

  Looking for a good reason to stay out of New Jersey, where he's as popular as holiday traffic on the turnpike, Chris ("I worked the cones") Christie has endorsed Donald Fucking Trump for president. He was right behind Trump on stage tonight,  just as he was behind Trump when he was running against him. The only difference is that now Christie is a lot closer to Trump's behind.

  On the subject of 'What took you so long', Lindsey Graham said today, that his party is "Bat-shit crazy".

Dynasty Schmynasty

  Jeb (My last name is) Bush has left the race. As most of you know, this Bush replaced Jeb (I'm my own man) Bush earlier this month as he called in every member of his family to help his dying campaign.
  Anyone who is still wondering about the legacy of the last Bush president just isn't paying attention.

Clearing the Room

Chris ("I worked the cones") Christie did indeed rethink his campaign. He thought he'd had enough and dropped out. He may sit down, but I have no real hope that he will ever shut up.

Also gone is also-ran Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina. As the only Republican woman running, Fiorina provided a patina of warmth and hominess that will be sorely missed.

Jim (I don't know enough about him to give him a nick-name) Gilmore has also dropped out. After experiencing the exponential increase of votes from Iowa to New Hampshire (from 12 to 133), Gilmore left before we could see if this was a trend. If he were to continue to increase his votes exponentially, my calculations show that he would have had 1.3 billion votes by the seventh primary. Too bad we'll never know.

These Just Out....

  Rand (Son of Ron) Paul dropped out of the race for president today. Once considered a real contender....
 
  Rick (santorum) Santorum also dropped out of the race today, although he vowed to spread his...uh... magic over Marco Rubio. I am sure the Florida Senator relishes the endorsement.

  In a related incident, Ted Cruz called the Donald's whining after his loss in Iowa a "Trumper-tantrum". This type of cheap shot barely even qualifies as sophomoric. I resent the competition.

Wish I was Making This Up

  Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Fucking Trump tonight.
  During the course of the ramble, she mentioned the 'squirmishing' among the various factions in the middle east.
 
Note: I want to thank Lawrence O'Donnell of MSNBC, both for playing the clip of Palin and confirming that I had indeed heard her say 'squirmish'. I imagine there's some sqirmishing going on in the GOP right now.

Not So Super

  "I have, like, this incredible vocabulary."
                                 Donald Trump, December 21, 2015
   "Fershur. Totally."
                          Your Blogger, just now

Update (A continuing tradition of rhetorical eloquence):
    "Her statement changed bigly."
                                 Donald Trump, March 29, 2016

  It is, rightly, said, that there can be too much of even a good thing. It must also be said that there are, of course, a few things of which there never can be too much. Off the top of my head that includes: beer, redheads and chocolate. Although not necessarily in that order. But definitely in combination.... Yes.... Definitely in combination.
  I digress. But, yeah, in combination....
  Right, where was I? Oh yeah, too much of a good thing.
  In oratory, as in writing, the impact of a superlative is directly inverse to its frequency of use. The more often a word is used the more commonplace and insipid it becomes.
  Which brings us back to Trump.
  Traditionally, there have existed two kinds of political speakers; the man of few words, and the great orator. For a man of few words, whatever he says, due to the laws of supply and demand, seems to have more substance. A great orator, on the other hand, can speak often, and at great length, if, like Winston Churchill, he can draw his thoughts and phrases from a deep well. Trump is neither of these. He speaks often, and at great length, but his supply comes from, at best, a stagnant puddle. He is a man of few words, repeated endlessly.
 
Herewith; a Trump lexicon:

Great, nasty, terrific, horrible, amazing, disaster, powerful, important, awful, tremendous, disgusting, incredible, terrible, and, of course, yuge.

  Throw a handful of random nouns and verbs in with the above, stir well, and you have a pretty typical Trump paragraph. It might even make an interesting drinking game. With beer... and redheads.... Well, once again, I digress.
  We must still see how the primaries shake everything out. But, as I said once before: schadenfreude.

The Wit and Wisdom of Donald Fucking Trump

                       









                                                                                                                                                                         

Another One Bites the Dust

  Bobby (Lucky to have made it to Governor) Jindal has dropped out of the presidential race.
  He will be missed- by those of us who noticed that he was running.