He got a Bruzing

  Tonight, Ted (The Immigrant) Cruz dropped out of the race, effectively giving Donald Fucking Trump the nomination. John (Low Expectations) Kasich is still doing something, but since nobody knows what the hell it is, let's leave him as alone as his party has done.
  Even though he dropped out, what Cruz said can't be called a concession speech, since he not only failed to mention the winning candidate, he failed to even mention his own party. Cruz is looking down his own road-to-power. He was gracious enough to say that Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina was the world's best running mate. And, quite possibly, the shortest-acting running mate on record, at barely eight days. But we'll have to consult with the Guinness people about that record. (Or, at least, consult their wonderfully frothy product.)
  As a side note. Donald Fucking Trump mentioned, during his victory speech, that his parents were "looking down" on him. For the record- they're not alone.

  For the Democrats, tonight gave Bernie a very nice victory that will help him run all the way to the convention. Also for the record: Neither Democratic candidate is giving me much to work with here, satirically speaking.

Warm Fuzzies

  Today, Ted (The Immigrant) Cruz chose Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina, to be his running mate. Cruz is proving that his admiration and imitation of the Gipper knows no bounds. Ronald Reagan was the last candidate to pick a potential V.P. before the election, and Cruz is channeling that energy. Of course, Reagan made that particular move in 1976, when he lost the nomination to sitting president, Gerald Ford. (Who then lost to Jimmy Carter.)
  Which brings us back to Carly.
  Fiorina has run for elected office exactly twice. And lost exactly two times. This is precisely the kind of experience that Cruz is going to need. And let's not forget: between them they've won an entire election; not to even mention the amazing quantity of warmth and compassion these incredible human beings generate.
  Are you feeling the love?

Some Summing Up

  Although some small things have happened in the GOP primaries since the beginning (yes, I'm referring to their candidates); some events have recently overtaken me, as I've increasingly taken to drink to wash the sour taste out of my mouth that I've gotten from watching the damned primaries.

  First off (or out.) Ben (Should have kept the day job) Carson has quit the race. I don't really have an exact idea of when, but he faded to the point of invisibility, and finally called it. Buh-Bye.

  Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina has recently endorsed Ted (The Immigrant) Cruz for president. The potential synergy between these two amazingly warm and fuzzy people promises to change politics forever. (I feel like hugging someone.)

  In other news: It seems like the two Democratic candidates still insist on debating actual issues. And, unless they can, somehow, get past this unnervingly mature behavior, I'm not going to be able, in good conscience, to mock them.

Clearing the Room

Chris ("I worked the cones") Christie did indeed rethink his campaign. He thought he'd had enough and dropped out. He may sit down, but I have no real hope that he will ever shut up.

Also gone is also-ran Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina. As the only Republican woman running, Fiorina provided a patina of warmth and hominess that will be sorely missed.

Jim (I don't know enough about him to give him a nick-name) Gilmore has also dropped out. After experiencing the exponential increase of votes from Iowa to New Hampshire (from 12 to 133), Gilmore left before we could see if this was a trend. If he were to continue to increase his votes exponentially, my calculations show that he would have had 1.3 billion votes by the seventh primary. Too bad we'll never know.