The Truth is Stranger. Much Stranger. So Much Stranger.

"Despite the constant negative press covfefe."
  Donald Fucking Trump

  Despite the incomplete sentence, let's deal with the fact that my computer's spell-check is having a fit with the collection of letters ending the quote (I'm not dignifying it with the word word).

  Covfefe!

  On this blog, I make up lots of strange shit. I even make up words occasionally. I take credit for conserva nostra for example; as well as trumposaurus. Let's not forget that Trump and his minions and base are members of the ignoratti  I must confess, though, that on my best, or worst day, I'd never have thought of covfefe.

   God knows that I'm praying for some fiction about now.

Mice are Smarter

"Steve, tell about the books."
"Everyone will write books about how great your administration was."
"And they'll write lots of books because we still got lots more years to go. Right, Steve?"
"That's right, Donny. We still have years to go."
"Tell again how many years, Steve."
"There's about three and a half years to the next election, and if we win that..."
"We will- we will-we will-we will! Won't we! Cause we're the best! Right?"
"Calm down, Donny, or I'll call in the Secret Service."
"No, please. I promise I'll be good. Just tell about the media. Pleeease, Steve."
"OK, the media are evil."
"I know- because they lie all the time and they're so unfair and they hate me. Right, Steve?"
"That's right, they hate you."
"And I'm gonna put it all on twitter. And everyone will know they're so nasty. Right, Steve?"
"Now what did we say about twitter, Donny?"
"Uh. That I'm not supposed to go on it so much?"
"That's right, Donny. You're not supposed to go on twitter so much. It causes a lot of trouble."
"Oh I know. But sometimes, sometimes I forget. There's so much stuff I have to remember. Remember how I almost forgot to salute the flag? That nice lady helped me."
"I remember."
"Is that the lady I'm allowed to grab by the pussy, Steve?"
"We'll talk about that in the morning. Good night, Donny."

Coming Soon, I Bet

    Trumpty Dumpty wanted a wall

    Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

    And all of Vlad's horses

    And all of Vlad's men

    Couldn't put Trumpty together again

Christopher Mahon

      

The Women's (and my) March on Washington, January 21, 2017

I cannot put into words all the emotions running through me after being there Saturday.
We spoke truth to power. We came together. We showed the world what Democracy looks like.

(Oh yes- I was the one with the sign reading: Trump: Keeping the Twit in Twitter)

Not from Nantucket

Priebus, McConnell, and Ryan
Said; "We really ought to be cryin'
Because Donald Trump's
Made us all look like chumps
But if we said we were sad we'd be lyin' "
   Christopher Mahon

He got a Bruzing

  Tonight, Ted (The Immigrant) Cruz dropped out of the race, effectively giving Donald Fucking Trump the nomination. John (Low Expectations) Kasich is still doing something, but since nobody knows what the hell it is, let's leave him as alone as his party has done.
  Even though he dropped out, what Cruz said can't be called a concession speech, since he not only failed to mention the winning candidate, he failed to even mention his own party. Cruz is looking down his own road-to-power. He was gracious enough to say that Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina was the world's best running mate. And, quite possibly, the shortest-acting running mate on record, at barely eight days. But we'll have to consult with the Guinness people about that record. (Or, at least, consult their wonderfully frothy product.)
  As a side note. Donald Fucking Trump mentioned, during his victory speech, that his parents were "looking down" on him. For the record- they're not alone.

  For the Democrats, tonight gave Bernie a very nice victory that will help him run all the way to the convention. Also for the record: Neither Democratic candidate is giving me much to work with here, satirically speaking.

Warm Fuzzies

  Today, Ted (The Immigrant) Cruz chose Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina, to be his running mate. Cruz is proving that his admiration and imitation of the Gipper knows no bounds. Ronald Reagan was the last candidate to pick a potential V.P. before the election, and Cruz is channeling that energy. Of course, Reagan made that particular move in 1976, when he lost the nomination to sitting president, Gerald Ford. (Who then lost to Jimmy Carter.)
  Which brings us back to Carly.
  Fiorina has run for elected office exactly twice. And lost exactly two times. This is precisely the kind of experience that Cruz is going to need. And let's not forget: between them they've won an entire election; not to even mention the amazing quantity of warmth and compassion these incredible human beings generate.
  Are you feeling the love?

Sophie Had it Easy

  After making the amusing observation that choosing between Trump and Cruz was like having to choose between getting shot or poisoned, Lindsey Graham chose poison as he endorsed Ted Cruz.
 

Double the Pleasure, Double the fun

  Ben (Should have kept the day job) Carson decided to cinch his position as "The guy who should have kept his day job" by endorsing Donald Fucking Trump. During his announcement, Carson stated that there were, indeed, two Trumps, a sentiment that was then seconded by one of the Trumps (I don't know which.)
  I am of the opinion that there absolutely must be two of them.
  It is impossible to pack that much shit into one human being.

In other news: Happy Pi Day!

Pumping Irony (Presidential Edition)

  This is, of course, a leap year; which brings us not only an extra day in the cheerful month of February; but also the Olympics, the presidential campaign and, for keen observers, a Mitt Romney sighting. Romney, who likes to think of himself as a statesman, has no desire to do the actual work of statesmanship, which would keep him much too busy during the off-years. Instead, he trots himself out during the presidential race, to inject his views on how badly everyone else is doing things.       
  Today, he went after Donald Fucking Trump.
  Romney, correctly, noted that Trump was the son of a rich man, had things to hide in his tax returns, and that Trump's bankruptcies hurt many small businesses in this country. Romney also saw fit to mention that Trump was a liar and unfit for the office of President of the United States.
  To sum up: Son of a rich man
                     Problems with tax disclosure
                     Questionable business dealings
                     Liar
                     Unfit to be president
  I think that fits. Oh yeah, it applies to Trump as well.

Rub My Belly

Chris ("I worked the cones") Christie seemed uncomfortable as Trump's lap-dog as he stood in back of Trump during his Super Tuesday victory speech. Whether the calls for Christie to resign by a group of Jersey papers, his tanking favorability numbers (worse than turnpike traffic), or the fact that he is now supporting a man he once claimed was unfit to be president, is suddenly getting through his thick skull, Christie did not look amused Tuesday night. Who could have guessed that standing behind Donald Trump would be as onerous as kneeling behind him?

The Road Not Taken

  As a political satirist of some renown, (I must have at least some, don't you think?) I aspire, as do most of my colleagues, to the heights; the rarified air wherein exist the like of Voltaire and Jonathan Swift, Mark Twain and George Orwell. But that's a fucking lot of work. I tend to accept less lofty results, which give me much more time to sleep late. I've found, though, that I am not alone on my chosen path.
  Marco (Gunga Din) Rubio has shown us he thinks that his path to the presidency is as an insult-comic. He went after Trump for his Ooompa-Loopa spray tan, and his small hands. He neglected Trump's comb-all-over, and his surprisingly small mouth.  Yeah-- for all the noise he makes, Trump actually has a tiny little mouth. In fact, whenever he's emphasizing a point, his upper lip contorts into a shape usually associated with the parrotfish or your average parakeet. It actually looks beak-like.
  I may be stealing the thunder from Rubio's next set, but if you're going to go there, then just GO THERE. Donald Fucking Trump not only lives the low road, he built a lot of it.

Ass Kissing Ass

  Looking for a good reason to stay out of New Jersey, where he's as popular as holiday traffic on the turnpike, Chris ("I worked the cones") Christie has endorsed Donald Fucking Trump for president. He was right behind Trump on stage tonight,  just as he was behind Trump when he was running against him. The only difference is that now Christie is a lot closer to Trump's behind.

  On the subject of 'What took you so long', Lindsey Graham said today, that his party is "Bat-shit crazy".

Wish I was Making This Up

  Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Fucking Trump tonight.
  During the course of the ramble, she mentioned the 'squirmishing' among the various factions in the middle east.
 
Note: I want to thank Lawrence O'Donnell of MSNBC, both for playing the clip of Palin and confirming that I had indeed heard her say 'squirmish'. I imagine there's some sqirmishing going on in the GOP right now.

I Am Not Shitting You

Today, the British parliment debated whether to ban Donald Fucking Trump from entering the country.

Not So Super

  "I have, like, this incredible vocabulary."
                                 Donald Trump, December 21, 2015
   "Fershur. Totally."
                          Your Blogger, just now

Update (A continuing tradition of rhetorical eloquence):
    "Her statement changed bigly."
                                 Donald Trump, March 29, 2016

  It is, rightly, said, that there can be too much of even a good thing. It must also be said that there are, of course, a few things of which there never can be too much. Off the top of my head that includes: beer, redheads and chocolate. Although not necessarily in that order. But definitely in combination.... Yes.... Definitely in combination.
  I digress. But, yeah, in combination....
  Right, where was I? Oh yeah, too much of a good thing.
  In oratory, as in writing, the impact of a superlative is directly inverse to its frequency of use. The more often a word is used the more commonplace and insipid it becomes.
  Which brings us back to Trump.
  Traditionally, there have existed two kinds of political speakers; the man of few words, and the great orator. For a man of few words, whatever he says, due to the laws of supply and demand, seems to have more substance. A great orator, on the other hand, can speak often, and at great length, if, like Winston Churchill, he can draw his thoughts and phrases from a deep well. Trump is neither of these. He speaks often, and at great length, but his supply comes from, at best, a stagnant puddle. He is a man of few words, repeated endlessly.
 
Herewith; a Trump lexicon:

Great, nasty, terrific, horrible, amazing, disaster, powerful, important, awful, tremendous, disgusting, incredible, terrible, and, of course, yuge.

  Throw a handful of random nouns and verbs in with the above, stir well, and you have a pretty typical Trump paragraph. It might even make an interesting drinking game. With beer... and redheads.... Well, once again, I digress.
  We must still see how the primaries shake everything out. But, as I said once before: schadenfreude.

The Wit and Wisdom of Donald Fucking Trump

                       









                                                                                                                                                                         

Everything's Trumpy-Dory

  Donald Fucking Trump signed the Republican oath of fealty today.
  Republicans everywhere can now breathe a sigh of relief that Trump won't be running against them.
  He'll be running with them.
  Isn't that wonderful?

Dead Party Walking

  The RNC, in their infinite wisdom and incredible desperation, have put out a loyalty oath, to be signed by the plague of candidates running for president. Though the entire swarm is being 'asked' to sign, everybody knows that the real target is Donald Fucking Trump, who for some goddam reason leads the rest of the gaggle in all the polls, yet still refuses to rule out a third party run.
  Loyalty oaths.
  The weakness and fear the Republican party is projecting now is palpable.
  I think the only thing that could possibly top the pathetic, despondent hopelessness we are seeing, would be to- I don't know- commission an autopsy.
  But that would be ridiculous.

Fifteen Little.... Oh Fuck It!

  As of this writing, there are now seventeen people running for the Republican nomination for president. And, as of this writing, that number is irrelevant. Not because they espouse a political ideology that is obsolete and morally bankrupt- well, not only because of that. The reason they are essentially toast from the get-go is Fox News. Fox is hosting the first debate with only the top tier of the top ten candidates. With their usual integrity, they fudged the math to get John Kasich a seat at the table (more accurately, a stand at the lectern.) Since the debate's in Ohio, who could blame them for getting its sitting governor a shot at it.
  Kasich's spot came at the expense of Rick (currently on trial) Perry. Perry is famous not only for his 'oops' moment in the last race, but also for apparently falling in love with a bottle of maple syrup onstage, during a speech. (How's that square with your obsession with man-dog marriage Justice Scalia?) Also left out of the debate is the man who was number two (in both senses) during the last Republican primary, Rick (santorum) Santorum. Several campaigns, including Santorum's may run out of steam before the first race even starts.
  The biggest and saddest, most pathetic news is this: Donald Fucking Trump is still the leading contender.
 
Note: The Washington Post Reported that Bill Clinton spoke to Trump about politics back in May. It seems that Trump reached out to Clinton, and according to a Clinton insider, the campaign was not discussed. That being said, if Bill Clinton did happen to help Trump decide to run, he deserves to go down in history as the greatest political strategist of all time.