He got a Bruzing

  Tonight, Ted (The Immigrant) Cruz dropped out of the race, effectively giving Donald Fucking Trump the nomination. John (Low Expectations) Kasich is still doing something, but since nobody knows what the hell it is, let's leave him as alone as his party has done.
  Even though he dropped out, what Cruz said can't be called a concession speech, since he not only failed to mention the winning candidate, he failed to even mention his own party. Cruz is looking down his own road-to-power. He was gracious enough to say that Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina was the world's best running mate. And, quite possibly, the shortest-acting running mate on record, at barely eight days. But we'll have to consult with the Guinness people about that record. (Or, at least, consult their wonderfully frothy product.)
  As a side note. Donald Fucking Trump mentioned, during his victory speech, that his parents were "looking down" on him. For the record- they're not alone.

  For the Democrats, tonight gave Bernie a very nice victory that will help him run all the way to the convention. Also for the record: Neither Democratic candidate is giving me much to work with here, satirically speaking.

Warm Fuzzies

  Today, Ted (The Immigrant) Cruz chose Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina, to be his running mate. Cruz is proving that his admiration and imitation of the Gipper knows no bounds. Ronald Reagan was the last candidate to pick a potential V.P. before the election, and Cruz is channeling that energy. Of course, Reagan made that particular move in 1976, when he lost the nomination to sitting president, Gerald Ford. (Who then lost to Jimmy Carter.)
  Which brings us back to Carly.
  Fiorina has run for elected office exactly twice. And lost exactly two times. This is precisely the kind of experience that Cruz is going to need. And let's not forget: between them they've won an entire election; not to even mention the amazing quantity of warmth and compassion these incredible human beings generate.
  Are you feeling the love?

Go, Marco, Go

  Tonight, after failing to even come close to winning his home state, Marco Rubio left the race.
  It is important to remember that Rubio will be able to run again and again, after he grows up.

Double the Pleasure, Double the fun

  Ben (Should have kept the day job) Carson decided to cinch his position as "The guy who should have kept his day job" by endorsing Donald Fucking Trump. During his announcement, Carson stated that there were, indeed, two Trumps, a sentiment that was then seconded by one of the Trumps (I don't know which.)
  I am of the opinion that there absolutely must be two of them.
  It is impossible to pack that much shit into one human being.

In other news: Happy Pi Day!

The Road Not Taken

  As a political satirist of some renown, (I must have at least some, don't you think?) I aspire, as do most of my colleagues, to the heights; the rarified air wherein exist the like of Voltaire and Jonathan Swift, Mark Twain and George Orwell. But that's a fucking lot of work. I tend to accept less lofty results, which give me much more time to sleep late. I've found, though, that I am not alone on my chosen path.
  Marco (Gunga Din) Rubio has shown us he thinks that his path to the presidency is as an insult-comic. He went after Trump for his Ooompa-Loopa spray tan, and his small hands. He neglected Trump's comb-all-over, and his surprisingly small mouth.  Yeah-- for all the noise he makes, Trump actually has a tiny little mouth. In fact, whenever he's emphasizing a point, his upper lip contorts into a shape usually associated with the parrotfish or your average parakeet. It actually looks beak-like.
  I may be stealing the thunder from Rubio's next set, but if you're going to go there, then just GO THERE. Donald Fucking Trump not only lives the low road, he built a lot of it.

Ass Kissing Ass

  Looking for a good reason to stay out of New Jersey, where he's as popular as holiday traffic on the turnpike, Chris ("I worked the cones") Christie has endorsed Donald Fucking Trump for president. He was right behind Trump on stage tonight,  just as he was behind Trump when he was running against him. The only difference is that now Christie is a lot closer to Trump's behind.

  On the subject of 'What took you so long', Lindsey Graham said today, that his party is "Bat-shit crazy".

Dynasty Schmynasty

  Jeb (My last name is) Bush has left the race. As most of you know, this Bush replaced Jeb (I'm my own man) Bush earlier this month as he called in every member of his family to help his dying campaign.
  Anyone who is still wondering about the legacy of the last Bush president just isn't paying attention.

Clearing the Room

Chris ("I worked the cones") Christie did indeed rethink his campaign. He thought he'd had enough and dropped out. He may sit down, but I have no real hope that he will ever shut up.

Also gone is also-ran Carly (Planned Parenthood is cooking and eating babies) Fiorina. As the only Republican woman running, Fiorina provided a patina of warmth and hominess that will be sorely missed.

Jim (I don't know enough about him to give him a nick-name) Gilmore has also dropped out. After experiencing the exponential increase of votes from Iowa to New Hampshire (from 12 to 133), Gilmore left before we could see if this was a trend. If he were to continue to increase his votes exponentially, my calculations show that he would have had 1.3 billion votes by the seventh primary. Too bad we'll never know.

These Just Out....

  Rand (Son of Ron) Paul dropped out of the race for president today. Once considered a real contender....
 
  Rick (santorum) Santorum also dropped out of the race today, although he vowed to spread his...uh... magic over Marco Rubio. I am sure the Florida Senator relishes the endorsement.

  In a related incident, Ted Cruz called the Donald's whining after his loss in Iowa a "Trumper-tantrum". This type of cheap shot barely even qualifies as sophomoric. I resent the competition.

Wish I was Making This Up

  Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Fucking Trump tonight.
  During the course of the ramble, she mentioned the 'squirmishing' among the various factions in the middle east.
 
Note: I want to thank Lawrence O'Donnell of MSNBC, both for playing the clip of Palin and confirming that I had indeed heard her say 'squirmish'. I imagine there's some sqirmishing going on in the GOP right now.

I Am Not Shitting You

Today, the British parliment debated whether to ban Donald Fucking Trump from entering the country.

Not So Super

  "I have, like, this incredible vocabulary."
                                 Donald Trump, December 21, 2015
   "Fershur. Totally."
                          Your Blogger, just now

Update (A continuing tradition of rhetorical eloquence):
    "Her statement changed bigly."
                                 Donald Trump, March 29, 2016

  It is, rightly, said, that there can be too much of even a good thing. It must also be said that there are, of course, a few things of which there never can be too much. Off the top of my head that includes: beer, redheads and chocolate. Although not necessarily in that order. But definitely in combination.... Yes.... Definitely in combination.
  I digress. But, yeah, in combination....
  Right, where was I? Oh yeah, too much of a good thing.
  In oratory, as in writing, the impact of a superlative is directly inverse to its frequency of use. The more often a word is used the more commonplace and insipid it becomes.
  Which brings us back to Trump.
  Traditionally, there have existed two kinds of political speakers; the man of few words, and the great orator. For a man of few words, whatever he says, due to the laws of supply and demand, seems to have more substance. A great orator, on the other hand, can speak often, and at great length, if, like Winston Churchill, he can draw his thoughts and phrases from a deep well. Trump is neither of these. He speaks often, and at great length, but his supply comes from, at best, a stagnant puddle. He is a man of few words, repeated endlessly.
 
Herewith; a Trump lexicon:

Great, nasty, terrific, horrible, amazing, disaster, powerful, important, awful, tremendous, disgusting, incredible, terrible, and, of course, yuge.

  Throw a handful of random nouns and verbs in with the above, stir well, and you have a pretty typical Trump paragraph. It might even make an interesting drinking game. With beer... and redheads.... Well, once again, I digress.
  We must still see how the primaries shake everything out. But, as I said once before: schadenfreude.

Another One Bites the Dust

  Bobby (Lucky to have made it to Governor) Jindal has dropped out of the presidential race.
  He will be missed- by those of us who noticed that he was running.

Help! I've Fallen, and I Can't Get Up!

  Rick (Under Indictment) Perry has left the race. He will soon be followed by more also rans who also haven't run very well, but Perry will be missed. He was the first person ever to run for president while under indictment, so we will never know how he would have handled both a campaign and a trial.
  It would have been both interesting and stomach turning.
  I, for one, am sorry we'll miss it.
 

Everything's Trumpy-Dory

  Donald Fucking Trump signed the Republican oath of fealty today.
  Republicans everywhere can now breathe a sigh of relief that Trump won't be running against them.
  He'll be running with them.
  Isn't that wonderful?

Dead Party Walking

  The RNC, in their infinite wisdom and incredible desperation, have put out a loyalty oath, to be signed by the plague of candidates running for president. Though the entire swarm is being 'asked' to sign, everybody knows that the real target is Donald Fucking Trump, who for some goddam reason leads the rest of the gaggle in all the polls, yet still refuses to rule out a third party run.
  Loyalty oaths.
  The weakness and fear the Republican party is projecting now is palpable.
  I think the only thing that could possibly top the pathetic, despondent hopelessness we are seeing, would be to- I don't know- commission an autopsy.
  But that would be ridiculous.

13 Little (literally), 14 Little (figuratively)

  Bobby Jindal and Chris Christie have both announced for president.
  Although they both share the intense hatred of their respective constituencies, these are very different men.
  Jindal, the governor of Louisiana, is known for saying that Republicans shouldn't be "the stupid party." Although that horse left the barn years ago, Jindal had good reasons for saying it: he didn't want the competition. Jindal has been embracing every extreme position he can. He doubled down on the fictitious 'No-go Zones' popularized and then withdrawn by Fox News, and his positions on evolution, climate change and education put him solidly among the Cro- Magnon wing of the party. I like to think of him as 'the thinking man's idiot'.
  Chris Christie, who was called a liar by the New Jersey Star-Ledger, has presided over a record number of credit downgrades and is surrounded by investigations, does bring an important quality that has otherwise been lacking in this race. Christie is the only candidate with an ego as big as Donald Fucking Trump.
  I am looking forward to the debates with such excitment, that I may very well piss myself.
  I promise to keep you fully informed.

The Dirty Dozen

  There are now twelve people running for the Republican nomination for president.
  Donald Trump is running. Let me repeat: Donald Fucking Trump is running for the presidency of the United States of America.
  To that, I can only add: thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!

  Most people say that Trump says whatever is on his mind. His comments on Mexican immigrants got Univision to drop the Donald's beauty pageants from their schedule, although Trump has claimed that there is an "ironclad contract" and that Univision has already called him to apologize. We will have to see. We will also have to wait and see about Trump's "secret plan" to instantly defeat ISIS and bring them to the negotiating table. I am less interested in the plan than in understanding why they would negotiate after being defeated. (Golden Parachutes, perhaps?)
  While the evidence seems to suggest that Trump says whatever he is thinking, I disagree absolutely. Thinking has nothing to do with it.