Movin' On Up

The Mormons baptize the dead. It seems a bit backward to me and probably won't fill up those church pews, but it keeps them busy, and doesn't really affect anyone....Right?



Scene: The Void. Utter blackness and quiet. Solitude. Peace. In other words, a great place to catch some z's.
            A presence is floating, aimlessly, quite comfortably, when: two lights shine out of the darkness at the presence.

Voice One: Edward Davies?

Presence: Huh? What? What's going on?

Voice One: Are you Edward Davies, the scientist guy?

Presence ( Davies ): Well, yeah, I mean I guess so. At least that's who I used to be.

Voice One: Used to be?

Davies: Well- yes. Before I died, I mean. Now I'm kind of nobody.

Voice One (impatiently): Look buddy, either you're him or you're not. Don't give us any lip.

Voice Two: Look, you gotta come wit' us.

Davies: Go with you? To Where?

Voice Two: To Heaven, Einstein, you're goin' ta Heaven.

Davies: I don't know what's going on, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm part of the Great
Nothingness. I'm a piece of The Void.

Voice Two: Void-schmoid. You're comin' wit' us.

Voice One: You've been baptized, you see. We're to collect you.

Davies: How could I be baptized after I died?

Voice One: Your son-in-law saw to it. Mitt Romney. The paperwork's at headquarters.

Davies: Where's your headquarters?

Voice One: Mormon Heaven.

Davies: Come on. I was an atheist, and even I know the Catholics own Heaven. Just ask Mel Gibson.

Voice One (uncomfortably): We lease. It's a small tract. Quite nice actually...

Voice Two: Cut to the chase, will ya. Dis guy's comin' right now. We still gotta pick up dat Anne Frank kid, and I aint had any lunch. Ya been baptized, it's official, and I'd love an excuse to cuff ya.

Davies: Not if my lawyer has anything to say about it, you won't.

Voice One: Uh... lawyer?

Davies: Yes, The Void is full of lawyers. At least the good ones. It's my understanding most of them don't make it quite so high up, but we've got Darrow and Ollie Holmes, and I bet they're itching for a good fight.

Voice One: Well... in that case....

Voice Two: You tellin' me you gonna cave ta dis guy?

Voice One (aside): Do you know how many lawyers we've got in Heaven? Zero. Zilch. Bupkus. And I'm not just talking our Heaven. No one's got any. Darrow would make mince-meat out of us.
(to Davies): Well Mr. Davies, it has been pleasant chatting, but we have to be on our way. We certainly hope there are no hard feelings. Don't we Dave?

Voice Two (mumbling): Yeah, I guess.

Davies: If I hear you two are causing any more trouble out here, I'll hit you so hard with a lawsuit, it'll knock you back to Earth. You hear me?
Voices: Right. Yessir. Absolutely.

Voice One: Have a nice eternity, sir.