Joke Of The Post

What did the hydrogen ion say to the electron?

"You complete me."

The Henny Penny Protocol

Defying all the odds, Newt Gingrich is still in the race to the White House. Short of cash, he is now charging $50 for photographs. I thought this was a good idea, until I found out they were shots of Newt (Angelina Jolie he's not.)

Only an idiot would count him out, though. This is the point where Gingrich the science geek will shine. Those who wondered and laughed at Newt's space obsession will get their well deserved comeuppance, because it is on outer space that his plans rely. And no, I'm not referring to Newt ruling his lunar colony either; that's Plan B.

No, Newt Gingrich is pinning all his hopes on the chance that his opponents will be hit by meteors before the convention, leaving the field wide open for him.

Rocks falling out of the sky.

The theory isn't so far-fetched.

 After all, the dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid once before.

Machiavelli- Eat your Heart Out

Conservatives all grew up watching John Wayne movies; they naturally have a better grasp of military strategy and tactics than doll playing liberals. Now they've proven their natural superiority with a cogent criticism of Obama's Afghan War plans. Specifically: the withdrawal date.

The announced departure timetable creates, in effect, a sell-by date for the war. Our enemies have only to hold out until we leave, in order to (somehow) march triumphantly into Kabul, undoing all our work.

Lefties have responded to this incontestable point by noting, snootily, that the conservatives have not bothered to offer an alternative strategy of their own.

Duh.

That is their plan.

Liberals cannot grasp the depth and subtlety of conservative thinking. If the best way to defeat an enemy is to not let him know your plans, then having no plans is the ultimate path to victory.

Think about it. Even the best positioned Taliban spy, one who followed the candidates night and day, couldn't find out what the Republicans are up to- because they don't know  themselves.

That's beautiful, man.

Even a psychic, even Nancy Reagan's astrologer, can't predict what these guys are going to do. You could kidnap the candidates and use torture- I mean- enhanced interrogation and you'd get nothing. Absolutely nothing.

If the ultimate strategy is ignorance, Republicans have it made.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Liberals once again are jumping on the Republicans' newest job plan.

Can someone please tell me what's so controversial about full employment for ultrasound technicians?

Quote Of The Post

"It is one of the worst things of sentiment, that the voice grows to be more important than the words, and the speaker than that which is spoken."

Robert Louis Stevenson, The Master of Ballantrae

In one sentence Stevenson apprehends all cults of personality, and the deification of Ronald Reagan.

Reduce, Re-use, Republican

Notice to all you namby- pamby, tree-hugging hippies who think you have a monopoly on loving Mother Earth. The Republicans have brought recycling to levels unimaginable before today.

Want an example?

Every single one of  the conservative legislative, economic, and foreign policy ideas has been taken directly out of the ash-heap of history.

This will free up some much needed space for their candidates to fill after the election.

Faster Than A Speeding Bullet

Back in September, you may recall, scientists in Europe thought that they had detected neutrinos traveling faster than the speed of light. As all of my scientifically literate readers know, nothing can exceed the speed of light
(except toddlers.)

The experiment made sense to me because the neutrinos in question were sent from Switzerland to Italy. HELLO PEOPLE! Send me to Italy and I'd get there faster than the speed of light.

I'd like to report that my theory was investigated, but we learned on Friday that the initial experiment was flawed, and that the scientific community was reassured.

I'm not.

And I still want someone to send me to Italy, no matter how long it takes.

Mohammed Goes To The Mountain

Rick Santorum is in Puerto Rico Looking for votes. He went only there so they wouldn't come here, but he was nice enough to give them some advice on attaining statehood. He let them know that they would have to meet the same standards as all the other states did in having English as the official language. Thank God for Santorum. Without him we'd all be under the delusion that no states had to adopt English to join the Union, just because history tells us they didn't.

Even if it's not true, it's still a good idea. If any country needs an official language it's us.

Rick Perry can't pronounce the word 'height.' He seems to think it ends with a 'th.' Where I come from some people put 'erl' in their cars and listen to the Duke of 'oil' on their radios. Southerners can pull three or four syllables out of y'all. And don't get me started on on the way Minnesotans glorify their O's.

And that's just pronunciation. If we all really spoke the same language we'd be able to understand each other's points of view. Politics would be civil. Conservative pundits would no longer be watched as drinking games (a shot for every- feminazi, or pin-head reference for example.)

Liberals would finally understand the right wing-nuts They'd be comprehensible to normal minds. We might even become best buddies, and ...uh... I mean-

Never mind.

A Law We Really Need

Vaginal ultrasounds?

How about this:

Resolved: No person shall propose any law without having first been subject to testing by EEG and fMRI, in order to determine that thought has actually occurred.

Quote Of The Post

"...But we have been insulated...in our international life by our long sheltered position behind two oceans. More than this, we have been actually misled by the experience of our two dramatic sorties into the larger world. It has seemed to us that it is our role to intervene in world affairs with sporadic and violent bursts of energy and with decisive and definitive effect- to appear on the scene in the nick of time like a knight errant, rescue the lady, and ride away.
   But the experience brought its disillusionment. The lady did not remain as glamorous; she did not even seem particularly grateful; she became demanding. And then, too, there was no secure and serene place to ride to. Our castle walls had crumbled, we found ourselves living on the plane with everyone else. We had the problems of neighbors. And so the occasional challenge of high adventure became the constant and nagging problems of everyday life."
   Former Secretary of State Dean Acheson. In the Introduction to Louis J. Halle, Civilization and Foreign Policy, 1955
    Quoted in: The Relations of Nations 3rd ed. Frederick H. Hartman. 1973 Macmillan.

How 'bout if the conservatives read stuff like this. A warning from 1955. I seriously doubt any of them read anything.

Onward Christian Soldiers

As I write this Rick Santorum has won the Alabama Primary, and seems poised to win Mississippi as well. Hawaii is so far west, that we won't know who won before October, and yet I feel a trend coming on.

According to all the polls, the Republican dream ticket is 'other.' But these guys will still keep plugging along.

And rightly so.

This nation needs the guidance only these good, very Christian men can provide. Ignorant souls may be put off by the fact that, to a man, they lie about themselves; they lie about each other; and they lie about the President. But I give them props for consistency. This is an important election. They have to win, and they've learned great lessons from reading the Bible. Jesus? Look where the truth got him. You can bet none of these guys is willing to end up on a cross. Besides, after pissing off the Pharisees, Sadducees, and the Romans, Jesus couldn't have gotten himself elected dog catcher in Jerusalem, and every Republican knows it.

The separation of church and state makes Santorum want to "throw up."

I think we all can sympathize.

I feel quite nauseated myself.

Quotes of the Post

"...no president has the power to increase, or to lower gas prices. Those are market forces."
Cal Thomas 2008

"The next time you hear a politician say he or she will bring down oil prices, understand it's complete BS."
Bill O'Reilly 2008

Both quotes from  video from The Ed Show, 3/7/12 that I had to play over and over, since I type with only two fingers.

I Am Become Newt, The Destroyer Of Worlds

A few weeks ago, The National Review weighed in on Newt Gingrich's conservative bona-fides.

They called on him to drop out of the race.

Anyone who knew Gingrich knew that he would never quit, and yesterday, Super Tuesday, he chalked up his second victory. It was only Georgia though. We all know they would happily send anyone to the White House to retaliate for General Sherman's march across the state in "Gone With The Wind." But I think Newt is more devious...I mean... more complicated than that. First off, he is a religious man, and has learned great lessons from the Bible. For instance: the time that Solomon was going to chop the baby in half in order to get the two women to shut up. Newt even converted to Catholicism so he could share heaven with Rick Santorum. (There are also rumors of a colonization scheme, to be announced during President Gingrich's third term, but I digress.)

The truth is that Newt won't quit, because he is the only one who knows that he is the only one who can save the country. Those Republicans who think that Gingrich's attacks on his fellow candidates are inadvertently helping the Democrats, underestimate him. He knows he's helping them.  If he can't be the next Republican president, then no one will be. This is is the guy, after all, who, when he didn't win Florida, complained to his mommy- I mean the courts- that the state wasn't playing fair. This is the guy who shut down the government because he couldn't get his way. And, this is the guy who wanted everyone to run positive campaigns for the sake of the country, and -hey- no need to look at my record- nothing to see here- just move along,,,,

Newt Gingrich is a man with ATTITUDE.

And all of us can all understand that attitude.

 At least we could in kindergarten.