The Wit and Wisdom of Donald Fucking Trump

                       









                                                                                                                                                                         

Another One Bites the Dust

  Bobby (Lucky to have made it to Governor) Jindal has dropped out of the presidential race.
  He will be missed- by those of us who noticed that he was running.

Help! I've Fallen, and I Can't Get Up!

  Rick (Under Indictment) Perry has left the race. He will soon be followed by more also rans who also haven't run very well, but Perry will be missed. He was the first person ever to run for president while under indictment, so we will never know how he would have handled both a campaign and a trial.
  It would have been both interesting and stomach turning.
  I, for one, am sorry we'll miss it.
 

Everything's Trumpy-Dory

  Donald Fucking Trump signed the Republican oath of fealty today.
  Republicans everywhere can now breathe a sigh of relief that Trump won't be running against them.
  He'll be running with them.
  Isn't that wonderful?

Dead Party Walking

  The RNC, in their infinite wisdom and incredible desperation, have put out a loyalty oath, to be signed by the plague of candidates running for president. Though the entire swarm is being 'asked' to sign, everybody knows that the real target is Donald Fucking Trump, who for some goddam reason leads the rest of the gaggle in all the polls, yet still refuses to rule out a third party run.
  Loyalty oaths.
  The weakness and fear the Republican party is projecting now is palpable.
  I think the only thing that could possibly top the pathetic, despondent hopelessness we are seeing, would be to- I don't know- commission an autopsy.
  But that would be ridiculous.

A Diminished Thing

  The two debates tonight showed that the Republican Party is a pathetic mess and that Fox News is doing everything they can to manipulate the outcome.
  The first debate was held in an empty arena. Fox repeatedly showed it to emphasize the unimportance of the seven candidates. They asked questions that seemed to demean and embarrass the seven and, for some reason, addressed Carly Fiorina, the only woman, by her first name.
  In the second debate, they put Trump on the offensive immediately and deliberately pitted candidates against each other.
  The Republican National Committee is either complicit in this design or felt unable to influence Fox to be- how shall I put this- fair and balanced.
  All the Republicans running for president think  that Obama is deliberately destroying our country. I've got another theory.
  What if an actual outsider decided to come to this country and act as a mole to destroy us from within? What if his devious mind has concocted a perfectly cunning plan to take us down by catering to and exacerbating the fear and ignorance of a large segment of our society? And what if that mole actually finds a way to become the puppet master, not only of that segment, but an entire political party?
  In the words of Christopher Moore, that would be some really heinous fuckery.
  Where was Rupert Murdoch born?

Fifteen Little.... Oh Fuck It!

  As of this writing, there are now seventeen people running for the Republican nomination for president. And, as of this writing, that number is irrelevant. Not because they espouse a political ideology that is obsolete and morally bankrupt- well, not only because of that. The reason they are essentially toast from the get-go is Fox News. Fox is hosting the first debate with only the top tier of the top ten candidates. With their usual integrity, they fudged the math to get John Kasich a seat at the table (more accurately, a stand at the lectern.) Since the debate's in Ohio, who could blame them for getting its sitting governor a shot at it.
  Kasich's spot came at the expense of Rick (currently on trial) Perry. Perry is famous not only for his 'oops' moment in the last race, but also for apparently falling in love with a bottle of maple syrup onstage, during a speech. (How's that square with your obsession with man-dog marriage Justice Scalia?) Also left out of the debate is the man who was number two (in both senses) during the last Republican primary, Rick (santorum) Santorum. Several campaigns, including Santorum's may run out of steam before the first race even starts.
  The biggest and saddest, most pathetic news is this: Donald Fucking Trump is still the leading contender.
 
Note: The Washington Post Reported that Bill Clinton spoke to Trump about politics back in May. It seems that Trump reached out to Clinton, and according to a Clinton insider, the campaign was not discussed. That being said, if Bill Clinton did happen to help Trump decide to run, he deserves to go down in history as the greatest political strategist of all time.

Who'd a Thunk It?

  Donald Trump is leading the Republican race to the White House. Despite everything he's said, Donald Fucking Trump is leading the race.
  Wow.
  Even after insulting Senator John McCain, and all our POW's, by saying: "He's not a war hero. He's a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured." Trump, who "reportedly received five deferments from military service," is unrepentant. But the Republican National Committee said: "There is no place in our party or our country for comments that disparage those who have served honorably." That should not only ease the mind of John McCain, but also John Kerry. The Secretary is probably grateful for what is certainly a belated apology for the swift-boating inflicted on him during his presidential campaign.

Note: All quotes are taken from the New York Post article, "He's Done-Ald!" by Aaron Short 7/19/15. I am not a regular Post reader. I bought the issue because the headline was: "Trump is toast after insult: 'McCain not a war hero.' DON VOYAGE!" Gotta love 'em.

Thirteen Little, Fourteen Little, Fifteen Little...

  This just in: Scott (investigations all around me) Walker has entered the race to the White House.
  We've gone so quickly to fifteen, that I missed the chance to use a baker's dozen joke. I have no fear, however. There are plenty of jokes in the pipeline. (And fifteen already oozed out of it.)

Quote of the Post

"Write without pay until somebody offers pay. If nobody offers within three years the candidate may look upon his circumstances with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for."

Mark Twain. Quoted in Safire and Safir, Good Advice on Writing. No further attribution to Twain is given, which annoys me. Also annoying: I make a living sawing wood.

Quote of the Post

"But alas! I never could keep a promise. I do not blame myself for this weakness, because the fault must lie in my physical organization. It is likely that a very liberal amount of space was given to the organ which enables me to make promises, that the organ which enables me to keep them was crowded out. But I grieve not. I like no half-way things. I had rather have one faculty nobly developed than two faculties of mere ordinary capacity."

Mark Twain, The Innocents Abroad

Unintended (Frightening) Consequences

  Donald Fucking Trump has a big mouth. No news there, but now that he is running for president, his utterances have begun to scare off his business partners. Today, New York City has announced that they are reviewing Trump's contracts with the city.
  All of this could, and should, be filed under, say; poetic justice, or beautiful irony, or even karma kickback; but for one thing.
  If Donald Fucking Trump loses all his business, he will have to make a serious effort to make a living in politics.
  I don't believe that a scarier sentence has ever been written.

13 Little (literally), 14 Little (figuratively)

  Bobby Jindal and Chris Christie have both announced for president.
  Although they both share the intense hatred of their respective constituencies, these are very different men.
  Jindal, the governor of Louisiana, is known for saying that Republicans shouldn't be "the stupid party." Although that horse left the barn years ago, Jindal had good reasons for saying it: he didn't want the competition. Jindal has been embracing every extreme position he can. He doubled down on the fictitious 'No-go Zones' popularized and then withdrawn by Fox News, and his positions on evolution, climate change and education put him solidly among the Cro- Magnon wing of the party. I like to think of him as 'the thinking man's idiot'.
  Chris Christie, who was called a liar by the New Jersey Star-Ledger, has presided over a record number of credit downgrades and is surrounded by investigations, does bring an important quality that has otherwise been lacking in this race. Christie is the only candidate with an ego as big as Donald Fucking Trump.
  I am looking forward to the debates with such excitment, that I may very well piss myself.
  I promise to keep you fully informed.

The Dirty Dozen

  There are now twelve people running for the Republican nomination for president.
  Donald Trump is running. Let me repeat: Donald Fucking Trump is running for the presidency of the United States of America.
  To that, I can only add: thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!

  Most people say that Trump says whatever is on his mind. His comments on Mexican immigrants got Univision to drop the Donald's beauty pageants from their schedule, although Trump has claimed that there is an "ironclad contract" and that Univision has already called him to apologize. We will have to see. We will also have to wait and see about Trump's "secret plan" to instantly defeat ISIS and bring them to the negotiating table. I am less interested in the plan than in understanding why they would negotiate after being defeated. (Golden Parachutes, perhaps?)
  While the evidence seems to suggest that Trump says whatever he is thinking, I disagree absolutely. Thinking has nothing to do with it.
 

Hoyle and Boyle*

  Tom (Soft Balls) Brady has, of course already appealed the decision on his part in "Deflate-gate" and "Ballghazi" and, as I like to call it: Permanent Asteriskville. For some strange reason, ol' Soft Balls failed to cooperate with the original investigation. Perhaps he thought that the weird, and
more-than-a-little-bit-creepy bubble New England fans surrounded him with would protect him. Well, that's what he gets for thinking. During the initial news conference, Brady said: "I don't know anything about anything." Now, it may just be some old prejudice against jocks talking here; but I believed that he was right.
  In any event, I'm sure that Brady will do some wheeling and dealing to get the penalty knocked down to the level of a wife beater or child abuser. Soft Balls and his team are a big deal in the
nfl, and big moneymakers. The good old NFL knows that what's important is profitability. Why else play the game?








*look 'em up

If This be Madness...

  Ted Cruz will never be President. He is not even making the half-hearted, feeble, and insincere pretense of reaching out to moderate voters, as his competitors are all doing.
  Cruz's strategy is puzzling, even to the most astute of political observers, but I may have the answer.
  It might very well be that Cruz isn't running for President, after all. Oh, he wants a promotion, no doubt about it. But, perhaps Ted Cruz is running for control of the extreme right of the Republican Party. By positioning himself on the fringe and then losing the election, Cruz can face his followers and say: 'Look at what those meanies and poopy-heads did to me. Waaaah!'* He can then wrap the forces of Darkness around him like a Dalmatian puppy-skin coat, and lead his people to hell-in-a-handbasket, or wherever it is they deserve to end up.
  Those who underestimate the Cruzer do so at their peril. I truly believe that, politically speaking, Ted Cruz is an evil genius** who bears watching.

* Imaginative paraphrase
** I will stake my well-deserved reputation on that phrase being, at the very least, half-true.

The Car Slowly Fills

  Rand Paul has become the second Reepub to enter the race to the White House.
  Paul's rollout has not gone particularly well. He has shown some difficulty in answering questions about the many contradictory things he has said over the years. The Senator is using some very clumsy methods of evasion to simply not answer. I thought he'd be better at this. The man is, after all, a thoroughly experienced plagiarist. He should be better at lying.

From The Vault

  Jeb Bush, in his lead-up to running for President, has enlisted the aid of his brother George, in order to reinforce his claim that "I'm my own man." This reemergence of W. led me to look through my copious notes of George W. Bush's Presidency (The Intellectual Interregnum.) I found the following piece deep in the archives, wadded up, and leveling a table leg:

  Since finding ourselves at war on September 11th, the President has been remarkably consistent in his insistence that the only way to win, was to completely enact the conservative agenda, and to spend money like it's going out of style. Basically: "Keep Calm and Buy Stuff." Words of wisdom to be sure. But I began to wonder how past Presidents have comforted and assured a troubled nation at the beginning of hostilities. As I delved through history, I found many examples of bravery, including Nathan Hale's stirring; 'I only regret that I have but one credit card to give for my country." As I wish to compare Presidential utterances, however, the following two quotes should suffice:

   Franklin Delano Roosevelt:
                 
 "Yesterday, December 7th, 1941- a date which will live in infamy- the United States was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.
  Therefore, my friends, it is absolutely imperative that you go about your daily lives as if nothing has occurred, in order to snatch victory from the enemy's grasp. It is also urgent that you purchase, to the best of your ability, all of the automobiles, refrigerators,  and modern conveniences, that you possibly can, in order to fully support the economy and assure our ultimate victory...."

Profound. And now Lincoln:

  "This is, essentially, a people's contest. On the side of the Union, it is a struggle for maintaining in the world that form and substance of government whose leading object is to elevate the condition of men; to go about our daily lives as if nothing has occurred, thereby denying to the rebel that comfort and that aid, which shall sustain him; and also to procure such goods and provisions to excess in order to better maintain the engines of our industry."

 Well, given those examples, I don't see how anyone can seriously question George Bush's leadership credentials.

 Note:
  The preceding piece was undated, and also lacked any attribution of the quoted material. As my journalistic standards have always been impeccable, this shouldn't concern anyone.

One Little, Two Little, Etc. Part Two

  Yesterday, Senator Ted Cruz announced his candidacy for President of the United States. As the only candidate officially in the race, one might think he would be in a good position to take the lead. Turns out, not so much. Everyone on his side seems to be against him. Even Representative Peter King called him "just a guy with a loud mouth'.
  I am quite looking forward to the primary debates, however long Cruz lasts. For starters, during his announcement, Cruz promised to "repeal every word of common core'. Which happens not to be an actual law. Which means it can't actually be repealed. Fortunately for Cruz, the right wing don't consider facts to be entirely relevant to their world-view.
  While I weep for the nation, I rejoice in the comic possibilities.
  Hey, I think I just figured out schadenfreude. 

For Cats (Quote of the Post)

"In 1830 it was a snug collection of modest one- and two- story frame dwellings, whose whitewashed exteriors were almost concealed from sight by climbing tangles of rose vines, honeysuckles, and morning glories....When there was room on the ledge outside of the pots and boxes for a cat, the cat was there--in sunny weather-- stretched at full length, asleep and blissful, with her furry belly to the sun and a paw curved over her nose. Then that house was complete, and its contentment and peace made manifest to the world by this symbol, whose testimony is infallible. A home without a cat-- and a well fed, well-petted, and properly revered cat-- may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?"

Mark Twain The Tragedy of Puddin'head Wilson

For Squeaky and Bester and Wheezer and Weebles and Tiger and Stymie. And all the other well- revered felines I have known.

Quote of the Post

"When two people go to Brooklyn together they are forever bound by a sort of mutual sympathy."

Rex Stout, Excess Baggage (short story)

Carved in Stone

  Two American tourists were arrested in Italy for allegedly carving their names into the walls of the Coliseum. Good. It is wonderful to see the preservation of history, rather than the defacing and destruction of it.
  Such vandalism was once the norm for tourists. The Temple of Dendur, which now rests in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York, is covered with carved names from the 19th century. Mark Twain made the following observation, and wish, in Innocents Abroad: " One might swear that all the John Smiths and George Wilkinsons, and all the other pitiful nobodies between Kingdom Come and Baalbec would inscribe their poor little names on the walls of Baalbec's magnificent ruins, and would add the town, the county and the state they came from- and swearing thus, be infallibly correct. It is a pity some great ruin does not fall in and flatten some of these reptiles, and scare their kind out of ever giving their names to fame upon any walls or monuments again, forever."
  The bitterest irony, of course, is the complete, and deliberate destruction being committed by the reptiles of ISIS, while the case in Italy plays out.

Quote of the Post

"We used to spend money we earned hoeing at a raspberry farm to send away for books we saw advertised in Argosy or Stag or True magazine that would give us what they called secret powers. If you're hoeing raspberries for thirty cents an hour in the hot sun what you want is secret powers."


Jim Harrison, Brown Dog (novella)


Harrison is also the author of the novella Legends of the Fall, which I have yet to read, as it is not shelved at the library branch that I patronize.

...By Any Other Name...

The right-wing has been excoriating President Obama for refusing to use the words 'Radical Islamic Terrorists' when referring to ISIS, and other enemies. They point out, quite rightly, that only by using the proper name can our enemies be defeated. This, of course, is the highly effective "Rumplestiltskin Strategy', in which, immediately upon saying the name, the earth will open up, and demons will drag them to the pit of hell- as happened in the aforementioned story. And, as any child knows, the only possible counter to the Rumplestiltskin Strategy is the 'Sticks and Stones Gambit', which must be used immediately if it is to have any effect. As Republicans are aware, the enemy lacks the sophistication necessary to successfully deploy such a defense, and will therefore be defeated. Would that the president would only see the light, and bow to the collective wisdom that is today's Republican Party.


Side-note:
The destruction of Ol' Rumplestiltskin, and his cool weaving-gold-cloth-from-straw factory, deprived us of one of the most exciting and innovative start-ups in the history of folk-lore. I, for one, will always regret never being given the chance to wear gold-woven tube-socks

One Little, Two little, Three Little...

The countdown to 2016 has begun.
Mitt is out.
Before he was really even in, now he's out. Of course, if truth be told, he was out even when he was in.
So, from the point of view of a poor writer of satire, he will be missed.
From the point of view of an American citizen who wishes for a good future for his country- not so much.

...Don't Bother, They're Heeeere. (I Hope)

Sarah Palin seems to be thinking about running. She's putting in an appearance at Steve King's Iowa Extremist Summit or whatever it's called.
Palin is there alongside Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Donald Trump.
To the possibility that all these less than qualified individuals may seek the highest office in the land; I say: pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Messed Metaphors

The following quotes were actually spoken. Aloud.


Representative Steve King talking about trying to get the Mittster to an event of his:
"He may not be able to come to our event because of scheduling conflicts, but he knows the door is open and we made sure we rang the doorbell."(1)


Sure. They opened their own door. And then they rang their own doorbell. As emphasis, I guess.


This one goes so far beyond 'mixed metaphor' that no English language word exists to describe it:


"Let's make this a time of harvest, and may the fruits of our labors be ladders our children can use to climb the stairs to the stars."(2)
Speaker of the House John Boehner (Really, I'm not shitting you)


OK, right. So they harvest...ladders. Which, I imagine, is some kind of vine, or maybe a root crop. Maybe he thinks it's a kind of tree. (What would one use to climb ladder trees? Piles of tomatoes?)
Perhaps they grow straight up out of the ground like asparagus.
But I digress.
Boehner then seems to want to give these (organically raised?) ladders to children, who will somehow use them to climb stairs. Ladders...kids...stairs. What could possibly go wrong? My nieces and nephews can't carry glasses of juice (definitely organic) up the stairs without spilling them. So, ladders? But, let it go. Once the children have used the ladders, they reach the stairs. To the stars. A perfectly acceptable form of interstellar travel. That is, for those of us raised on fairy tales, instead of science.


Notes


1- Steve King quoted in: Robert Costa Conservatives Shrug off Bush and Romney, Remain Confident in Base-Friendly Hopefuls Washington Post 1/14/15


2- John Boehner quoted in: Dana Milbank Mitch McConnell is off to a Bitter Start Washington Post 1/7/15


Postscript:
I wrestled mightily with the temptation to work a Led Zeppelin reference in to the second quote. This postscript is proof that I was not entirely successful.

Art of the Possible

Well, congress is back in session. Mitch McConnell has finally come up with a winning strategy for the Reepubs: Deny Obama a third term.


I think he's got a shot.